


After Life

by magnetic_pole



Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-26
Updated: 2010-08-26
Packaged: 2017-10-11 06:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/109503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetic_pole/pseuds/magnetic_pole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It might all be true here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	After Life

After two years behind the veil--two frustrating years of waiting and watching and worry--death is a delicious release.

Dumbledore's hand at his elbow, Sirius glides through the queues and the paperwork in a daze. There's a bit of discussion of his irregularity of his demise, and the goblin who finally approves his afterlife fixes him with a suspicious stare, but in the end all papers are signed and stamped, the old man talking of crisis in the living world and urging haste.

When the goblin asks his age at reentry, Sirius doesn't know what to say.

Dumbledore looks at him shrewdly. "Twenty-one-and-a-half," he says, and Sirius feels an icy cold wave wash over him, head to toe, like the Dementor's chill, but calming, somehow.

Liberating.

Welcome.

After two years, Sirius is finally dead.

*

The bit with Harry is simple enough; it's what comes afterward that seems so strange.

They meet Harry in the forest, gathering around him, reassuring him, doing what they can to calm him. Harry seems comforted to see them, his eyes darting from his mother to his father to Sirius to Remus and back again.

It doesn't hurt, Sirius says.

You've been so brave, Lily says.

We'll be with you until the end, James says.

And then--and this is what is so strange--Harry and Voldemort and the gathered circle of Death Eaters vanish. The forest is unmistakably empty, its small, animal sounds returning as Sirius realizes his godson is gone. It's as if they had never been there.

"What happened?" Sirius asks. His eyes continue to scan the small clearing, looking for Harry. "What now?"

"Now we wait," Remus says grimly.

"Another seventy or eighty _years,_ at best," Lily says with a sigh. "Why do wizards live so long?"

Sirius and Remus exchange a glance.

"You do know he's off to fight Voldemort?" Sirius says slowly.

"Not that we don't have the utmost confidence in him, of course," Remus says. "But don't you think--I mean--best to be prepared for all eventualities--"

Lily looks surprised. "You're worried that he might die?" She laughs. "As much as I'd love to see him again, I'm not too concerned about that."

"You're not?" Sirius asks.

"Of course not," she says. "Didn't you talk to Dumbledore?"

Sirius wouldn't call the hasty, urgent instructions Dumbledore had given him a "talk." From the expression on Remus' face, it seems as if he has arrived here just as quickly.

Lily smiles at them. "He has a plan."

"A plan?" Sirius asks.

James chuckles. "Do you think we'd let Harry go off like that if Dumbledore didn't have a plan?"

Sirius looks at Remus, who shakes his head, almost imperceptibly, bemused. I don't know either, his expression seems to say. I don't know either.

*

They find table at the Three Broomsticks easily enough, even among the noontime crowd. A Butterbeer is still two Knuts, what Sirius remembers paying back when they were at school. Inexplicably, he has eight in his pocket, and a few Sickles for the wizard who pours their drinks.

"Well," Lily says, beaming at them, when he brings their drinks to the table. "You're here! Sorry to hear about your deaths and all that, but it's great to see you again."

Sirius doesn't know quite what to say. He can't quite stop thinking about Harry. How could a seventeen-year-old boy face Voldemort?

"How did you get here?" he asks Remus softly.

"Went down in the battle," Remus says, his voice low. "At Hogwarts."

"How've you been, mates?" James says. It odd to see him again; his dark, lively eyes, his smooth forehead--every feature that doesn't quite match Harry seems off, somehow. "It's been, what, sixteen years or so? How's Harry been? How's Peter?"

Sirius frowns. "What do you mean, how are we? You don't know what we've been doing?"

James smiles, sheepish. "We do hear things, here and there." He clears his throat. "Dumbledore says you've, ah, looked after Harry. Fine godfather, he said."

Remus is frowning now, as well. "But surely you've asked after Harry, if not us? I mean, I'd just supposed..."

Lily and James exchange a glance.

"It's not that we don't care about you," Lily says immediately. She is sitting close enough to Remus to grasp his hand across the table. "Or Harry. We do, of course."

"Lily talks about you every once in a while," James says. "At first, she asked about Harry so often the goblins told her she ought to have considered staying with the living, as a ghost."

He and Lily laugh, as if this were a joke.

"But after a while..." Lily says.

"That life just seems a bit..." James trails off. "I mean, it's not like you go back to your childhood house very often to see how things are, do you?"

Sirius doesn't know what to say to that. They sit in silence for a moment, until Remus pushes back his chair and stands up.

"I think this calls for another drink," he says. "Everyone?" He fishes in his pockets, apologetic. "I'm afraid I might need to to--oh! I seem to--" He pulls a handful of coins out of his left pocket and counts them. "Eight Knuts and a few Sickles. Perfect. Back in a moment."

On a hunch, Sirius reaches into his own pocket. There it is, gold for the third round of drinks. He turns a Knut over and over in his hand, trying to figure it all out.

*

"How have you been, Sirius?" Lily asks. "How's Peter? Did he and Susan ever get married?"

"You do know how you died, don't you?" Sirius asks slowly, watching their faces. There is none of the condemnation or disappointment that he had feared, all these years. Nothing but warmth and eagerness and love. "Did Dumbledore somehow leave that part out?"

"Of course." James gestures dismissively. "Charms that complex sometimes fail, Sirius. Rotten luck, but we're not blaming anyone. Good thing that little Harry stopped him in the end!"

"Twice, now," Lily adds.

"We hope," Sirius mutters, but he can't quite bring himself to say it aloud, not with Lily and James beaming at him.

Remus returns with four more Butterbeers. They slosh over the edge of the glass as Remus sets them down. He pulls out his chair and sits down heavily.

"Sirius," Remus says, speaking directly to him, a stricken look on his face. "You know I married Dora."

Sirius nods.

"And you know that I cheated on her."

Sirius nods again. He can't get as angry as he was when he was behind the veil, watching it happen. It's hard to think of Remus as a lying, cheating bastard when he's right in front of you, when his expression is so much younger and more gentle and open than you remember.

"I left her," Remus says, with a glance at Lily and James. "I left her twice, once after our baby was born. I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry."

"A baby!" Lily says. "But who's Dora? What about Amelia?"

"I haven't been a good husband," Remus says to Sirius. "I know she's important to you, Sirius. I'm sorry."

Improbably, this seems funny to Sirius. He snickers. Remus looks at him quizzically.

"I've had a rough time these past few years," Remus says. His guilt is palpable. "I know that's no excuse. I lost my job, couldn't find another. I couldn't quite cope--"

As Remus talks, Sirius realizes that he ought to feel sorry for Remus, or angry with him, but he can't quite manage either. In fact, he can't quite manage anything except affection and a certain inappropriate attraction toward Remus' fretting, conscience-stricken twenty-one-year-old self.

Or perhaps it's not so inappropriate, seeing as he's twenty-one again himself.

"Lord, Lily, James, I've bollocksed things up--"

And right at that very moment, Sirius has the most ingenious idea he's ever had. It's brilliant. It's perfect. He laughs out loud at his own cleverness.

"Remus is hardly the only one with troubles," Sirius interrupts, speaking now to James and Lily. "I've been on the run. A wanted wizard, with both magical and Muggle law enforcement."

James and Lily stare at them both.

"I couldn't bring myself to go back to the werewolves," Remus says. "I told Dumbledore--"

"I was drinking too much," Sirius counters immediately. "No help to the Order. Possibly a bit insane there, toward the end."

The note of competition in his voice must be obvious, because Remus raises an eyebrow. "I abandoned my mission," he says.

"I disobeyed Dumbledore, jeopardized our security."

"I abandoned my son."

"I was manipulated by a Death Eater!" Sirius says. "Murdered by my own family!"

"My goodness!" Lily says, sounding horrified. "Sirius? Remus?"

James laughs. "Merlin, how I've missed you two!"

"James!" Lily says, whirling on her husband in reproach. "This isn't funny!"

"For heaven's sake, Lily, how many times have they tried to fool me? I'd almost forgotten."

Sirius gestures helplessly, as if to say, you've caught me, old friend.

James pounds him on the back. "No, really, how have you been? Sirius? Remus? What have you been doing all these years?

Here it is.

He pauses dramatically.

"Actually, James," Sirius says. "We have something to tell you, Remus and I."

"We do?" Remus says.

"Now, Moony," Sirius says, chuckling, pulling his chair closer to Remus' and draping his arm over the back. "We promised we'd tell James and Lily if we ever saw them again."

"Tell us what?" James asks.

"Yes, Sirius," Remus says, narrowing his eyes suspiciously. "Tell them what?"

"We're in love," Sirius says. He waits for a moment, letting that sink in. "How many years now, Remus? Eighteen? Twenty?"

"Sirius--" Remus says.

"Sorry?" Lily says.

"What?" James says. "You and Remus--"

"We've been living together," Sirius adds quickly. "As, well, as a couple. At my flat in London, at Remus' miserable little place here in Hogsmeade, at my parents' house in London, after they died."

"Sirius--" Remus remonstrates.

"Whatever happened to Amelia, Remus?" Lily asks.

"We separated," Remus says. "She found someone else."

"A woman," Sirius says pointedly.

"She was on the Wizengamot," Remus says, ignoring him. "Until recently. Killed by Voldemort."

"Oh," Lily says. "I'm sorry. We, ah, hadn't run into her. Obviously. But it sounds as if things all turned out for the better."

"Absolutely," Sirius says. He pauses again, glancing around to make sure they were all watching. "Considering he was madly in love with me the whole time."

Remus frowns.

"I had no idea," Lily says, wonderingly, but she can hardly stop smiling. "No idea at all!"

James is smiling, too, and Remus hasn't objected. Yet. It's almost too good to be true.

*

It's a lovely story, actually. They had fallen in love back in school--Sirius says it was sixth year, Remus says that's ridiculous, no one really falls in love at sixteen. ("Sorry," he says with a nod at James.) Remus had tried marriage, but after his separation he and Sirius lived together in Sirius' flat. They had gone on Order missions together; they had slept in on lazy Saturdays; they had visited Remus' parents at their house in the country; they had they had danced with one another, secretly, on the night of Lily and James' wedding.

"I know!" Lily says. "In the garden, behind the rose bushes! James took me there and kissed me, when Petunia was driving me crazy."

"Exactly," Sirius says.

"Jesus Christ, you're such a romantic, Sirius," Remus says. "No dancing. I hate dancing."

Sirius' voice drops to stage whisper. "Never mind him. He dances with me secretly, sometimes, when no one's looking."

Remus glares at him.

"I believe it," Lily says, and she and Sirius share a smile.

There had been a period of estrangement in their twenties--Sirius is vague about this; hard times, understandably, after the end of the war--during which Remus had traveled the world looking for a cure for lycanthropy.

"And what about you, Sirius?" James asks. "What were you doing while Moony was away?"

Sirius hesitates. "Nothing much," he says. "I suppose I took your deaths harder than I should have."

"He brooded, mostly," Remus says. The teasing note in his voice is unmistakable. "Shut himself up for years. Blaming himself for everything that's ever gone wrong. Terrible waste of time, in retrospect. We missed some good years together."

Sirius nods; that's perfect. "Pureblood self-indulgence of the worst sort, I'm sorry to say."

"But it all worked out in the end," Lily says hesitantly. "I mean, you said you got back together again, didn't you?"

Remus smiles. "With a little inadvertent encouragement from Peter, actually."

"Wormtail!" James says. "How's he doing?"

"Er--" Sirius says.

"Not well," Remus says gravely. "Very poor health. Things have been touch and go recently."

"Perhaps he's dead!" Lily says enthusiastically. "We can send an owl, tonight. I wonder why he hasn't done so himself."

"Lazy git," James says.

"So we got together again," Sirius says.

"It was rough at first," Remus says. "But, yes, we did."

"Just a few years ago--" Sirius says.

"At Sirius' parents' house," Remus says. "In London."

"Harry visited us there over the holidays, sometimes, when Petunia could spare him," Sirius says. "We had Christmas together recently, with Harry and some of his friends."

"Oh!" Lily says. "James, isn't that wonderful?"

"We saw Harry as often as possible," Sirius says. He wants to make certain Lily and James know this. "We did the best by him we could."

"Of course, silly," Lily says. James nods. "We never doubted that."

*

Sirius knows it is time to go when there are no more coins left in his pocket. Lily goes the loo, then Remus, then they gather in front of the Three Broomsticks, red-faced and laughing a bit too much and reluctant to part. Remus is unsteady on his feet, and Sirius slips an arm around his waist, ostensibly to keep him upright. None of the passing wizards or witches bat an eye.

"So you're going back to Remus' together, then?" Lily asks as if it is so obvious it hardly needs mention. "We have a place about a mile outside town. We can send an owl around tomorrow, after I go to the shops. Dinner at noon, at ours? James makes an excellent roast, after all these years of practice. Hopefully Peter's finally dead; he can come around, too. I don't know why he hasn't owled us already."

"About Peter--" Sirius says.

"Really, Lily, I'm not sure--" Remus says. "It may take us a while, to get used to life here--"

"I have been waiting for years, Remus," Lily says sternly. "Years of dinner parties with boring old Marlene, and Fabian and Gideon telling those awful jokes, and all of our best friends still alive and having fun without us."

James smiles weakly. "She's been plotting your deaths for years, mates. Just come over, all right?"

When has Sirius ever been able to refuse James anything? "Tomorrow at noon," he promises. "See you then."

*

They walk together, hand-in-hand, past the post office, past Honeyduke's, to the building where Remus had taken a tiny flat on the first floor after leaving school. Scrivenshaft's old sign is hanging outside, just as Sirius remembers. Remus finds the key to the door in his pocket. Neither is surprised.

"I had a good time tonight," Sirius says quietly.

"I did, too," Remus says.

"May I come up?"

Remus hesitates. "I suppose so," he says, nodding.

"We've got to tell them the truth," Remus says as they climb the stairs and open the door to the flat. "Sooner rather than later."

"Why?" Sirius says.

"It's not right; what we said wasn't real," Remus says. "Most of it, at least." He clears his throat. "We did look out for Harry, that was true."

"Maybe it's all true here," Sirius says.

"What about the owl to Peter? What about Dora? What if she went down in the last battle, too? What if she shows up tomorrow, demanding explanations? Goodness knows she deserves them."

"Remus," Sirius says. "Trust me."

"Because you've repeatedly demonstrated what a good idea _that_ is," Remus says crossly.

"Then do something stupid with me, Remus," Sirius whispers. He puts one arm in front of Remus, preventing him from opening the door. "Please. Just once. Let's try it."

Remus sighs, but he's wavering; Sirius can see it in his face. "This is going to end in heartache, I promise you," he says.

"I don't think it's going to end at all," Sirius says, letting his arm fall. Remus pushes open the door and gestures for him to come inside. "That what it means, to be here."

*

In the end, Sirius knows he's won the argument because Remus is puttering around the sink, charming the kettle to heat up, pulling out tea and some dusty tea cups, and trying to explain why everything Sirius wants to do is completely impossible.

"Really," Remus is saying as Sirius kicks off his shoes and stretches out on the narrow bed. "Even if we could figure out how to explain the things that we still need to explain to James and Lily, I don't think I want anything like a marriage any time soon. I'm not even sure if I'm cut out for couplehood. It's all a bit..." He pauses. "Stifling, I suppose. Not that I find you stifling, of course, but, you know. Well."

Sirius knows that _not stifling_ isn't _love,_ but it's not that far away, either.

"Sirius? Are you listening?"

"That's fine," Sirius says. Obviously that's not enough, because Remus is still frowning. What are they talking about? Oh, right, obstacles. "You think your lying, cheating bastard days may not be behind you. Forewarned."

The corner of Remus' mouth twitches. "I'm serious, Sirius. Serious. Ah," he sighs with frustration. "Sirius, listen to me. I'm not sure I'm what you want."

"You're not sure you're what _you_ want."

Remus stops fussing with the tea. "Perhaps."

"Come here." Sirius sits up and pats the bed beside him.

Remus walks over to where Sirius is sitting and, to Sirius' surprise, climbs into his lap. He straddles Sirius' thighs, trying not to rest too much of his weight on him.

"Too heavy?" Remus asks.

Sirius shakes his head. "Knees okay?" he asks.

"My body is twenty-one again," Remus says. "Everything is okay."

Remus relaxes slowly, and Sirius wraps two hands around his back, steadying him.

"Here we are," Sirius says.

"Here we are," Remus says.

"Bite me," Sirius whispers, and Remus does, a gentle, teasing nip on his neck.

"Don't know why I'm nervous," Remus says, with a half-smile and an uncertain laugh. "We've been doing this for years, right?"

And, truly, Sirius thinks, it's almost as if they have.

*

"Dumbledore has a plan," Sirius whispers just before they fall asleep, their legs tangled and their bodies pressed together on the narrow bed. He shifts, so that one arm is flung across Remus' chest, holding him tight.

Tomorrow, there will be an owl from Lily and James, and dinner, and time to talk. And the next day, too, perhaps, and the day after that. The next great adventure, Dumbledore has always said.

Remus lies silently, eyes closed, his breathing slow and deep.

"Remus?" Sirius asks. "Did you hear what I said?"

Remus shifts under Sirius' arm. "Of course Dumbledore has a plan," he mutters. "First thing I always wonder, when I get involved with someone: is this part of Dumbledore's grand plan?"

Sirius kicks Remus' foot in protest.

"Good night, Padfoot," Remus mumbles.

"Good night, Moony," Sirius says, but he lies awake for a few minutes more, thinking about Harry and Lily and James, thinking about Remus, thinking about his own life and death, and the life that is yet to come.

After two years, Sirius is finally dead. After more years than he can remember, he is finally free.

**Author's Note:**

> Written for rs_small_gifts, the annual Remus/Sirius exchange. For rosemaryandrue, with heartfelt thanks for a fabulous pinch hit!


End file.
